How to Be a Bad Boss — A Step-by-Step Guide
That’s it. You’ve had it with the endless leadership listicles and articles that claim which “must-have” traits and qualities make a good leader.
You’re burnt out. You’re mentally exhausted.
I get it.
Your sniveling, needy employees suck.
Fuck ‘em.
Sometimes, you just want to watch the world burn.
For years, you have been suppressing your baser instincts: You have been showing empathy and emotional intelligence, even though you don’t really care that one of your employee’s cousin’s nieces contracted COVID-19.
You have attempted to “block and tackle” and shield your employees from the endless bureaucracy, and yet they don’t spare a single neuron of thought to your mental health.
And perhaps most egregious, you spend hours, perhaps off the clock, career counseling these whiney assholes while your own authoritarian boss constantly threatens to downsize.
Now it’s time to make their life hell.
Maybe a few will quit! Fewer direct reports mean far less time brainstorming bullshit corporate jargon for their annual performance report. Does anyone ever read that shit anyway?
The time has come to show them all who they are dealing with. The younger generations already have a mistrust of hierarchy; it’s time to give them a real reason to dread coming into work.
It’s not about work/life balance or finding fulfillment and purpose at work. Your job is to trade time for money and make the shareholders rich. Anything that distracts you from generating revenue is a waste of precious time and energy.
If your employees give you any resistance, their employment should be terminated. After all, as we enter Great Depression II, thanks to Trump’s monumental fuck up at handling the Coronavirus pandemic, there are plenty of jobless people ready to take their place.
Follow these steps and you will be well on your way to a stress-free work environment, hell, maybe even a promotion.
Step 1 — ALWAYS Take the Credit for Your Employee’s Hard Work
I used to be a democratic boss. I would always elicit suggestions from others on my team and then make the final decision. If one of my employees had a great idea, I made sure to put that person on a pedestal and let the whole company know.
Not anymore. My employees, and likely yours, are morons. If a good idea happens to float to the top of the pond scum, make sure you snatch it up and present it to the world as if it were your own. After all, you likely would have had the same idea yourself eventually anyway.
Step 2 — ALWAYS Micromanage
These fuck nuggets can’t be trusted to make a pot of decent coffee in the employee break room, so why would you trust them with company money?
You’re the boss now because you did your job so well, they promoted you. Now you are in charge of these simpletons who used to do your old job. Clearly, you know how to do their job better than them, so do it. Get all up in their business and constantly suggest how you would do it if you were them. They love that.
Step 3 — NEVER Set Clear Expectations
Keep ’em guessing and off-balance, that’s what I always say… What are their deliverables? How do they measure success? Hell if you know. Let them figure it out.
Let’s ‘Charles Darwin’ the hell out of these serfs.
Setting clear expectations just creates more work for you. When they inevitably fail at meeting your expectations, as they always will, you’ll be forced to do more paperwork. And frankly, you have enough shit on your plate.
Step 4 — NEVER Provide Rewards or Recognition
Ah, the ‘everyone gets a trophy’ millennial generation… Welcome to the real world where we actually work for a living. Oh, you did your job well? Congrats! You get to keep it.
I just have one question for my employees: Are we paying you? Yes? Then keep your head down and do what you’re told.
Step 5 — NEVER Let Go of Problems or Mistakes
We’ve all been there: An employee made a mistake and cost the company money and/or embarrassed you. Never, never, never let them forget it.
It’s just like Winston Churchill once said, “remind them of their epic failure on the beaches, remind them of their failure on the landing grounds, remind them of their failure in the fields and in the streets…” or something like that.
The point is to keep their self-esteem low at all times, that way they can never grow to replace you.
Step 6 — NEVER Respect Your Employee’s Personal Time
Do your employees respect your personal time? Don’t make me laugh. I can’t count how many times I’ve received an after-hours call because one of my whelps couldn’t figure out how to embed a video into a PowerPoint. Do I look like that prick Bill Gates?
Set a reminder on your phone to call your employees at least three times per night (especially on weekends) just to tell them how disappointed you are with their performance lately. But be sure to never give them any real, constructive feedback.
Your goal should be to make them exist in a constant state of anxiety 24 hours a day.
Step 7 — ALWAYS Be Inflexible
Stretching is for pussies. I always hit the Bowflex cold. But I’m not talking about that type of flexibility.
Never allow your team to work remotely when they are feeling unwell.
Make them jump through every single administrative hoop to request time off.
Never let them schedule doctor’s appointments during work hours.
And for the love of all that is holy, never approve an expense report unless every single mother-loving receipt is attached and coded properly for your cost-center.
Step 8 — ALWAYS Play Favorites
Let’s face it, not all of your employees are complete dick bags. Occasionally, you’ll be in charge of someone who isn’t utterly obnoxious all day long.
Make him or her your favorite by showering them with lavish praise, monetary bonuses and time off every chance you get. Always value their opinions, but no one else’s.
The result? Like a parent who has a favorite child, the other children will work twice as hard to earn your affection.
Step 9 — ALWAYS Avoid Tough Conversations
As a boss, your door should be perpetually closed. Unless your name is Dr. Phil, in which case you're probably an alcoholic hillbilly, you have no business dealing with your employees’ personal or professional problems.
You are far too busy and important to invest in that emotional intelligence pseudoscience.
Leave the conflict resolution stuff to the brain-dead troglodytes in human resources.
Step 10 — ALWAYS Manage With Fear
Joseph Stalin. Mao Zedong. Pol Pot. Cream puffs compared to you! Your employees should live in a constant state of fear that they will displeasure you at any given moment.
At least once per quarter, assuming you work in an ‘at will’ state, fire one of your employees for no discernable reason whatsoever.
This will send the message that all of your employees are replaceable and that company profits always come first.
What If I Don’t Want to Be a Bad Boss?
If you truly want to be a good boss, I suppose you could just do the opposite of the above ten steps…
That would likely result in you becoming an amazing, compassionate leader.
If that tickles your fancy, go for it. I mean, I’m still going to judge you pretty harshly, but who the fuck am I? I bet you’re the kind of person who has deep, lasting relationships and never forgets an anniversary.
You do you… 😉
